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When the abuser doesn't remember you...

 
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redlily90



Joined: 06 Dec 2010
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 4:59 pm    Post subject: When the abuser doesn't remember you...

I was sexually abused by another girl when I was five years old. The girl's name was Crystal, and she was ten years older than me. I suppressed the memory of her until I was seventeen, and I finally got the guts to look her up on Facebook.

I found her, and perhaps what disturbed me the most was the fact that she had three kids and a fiance, and was living normally. She was also living in the same city I was living with my parents when I started remembering her.

I sent her a message to confirm who she was, and we made small talk before I brought up the subject of our past. She claimed to not remember me, and I haven't said another word to her. I'm not sure whether she's telling the truth or she has suppressed my memory like I suppressed hers.

Has anyone else experienced something like this before? I need some advice.
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twreck2



Joined: 20 Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Location: US

PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 6:49 am    Post subject: Sometimes they don't want remember

I have had that happen and/or the person remembers you but not the assault. I suspect that their "non remeberence" is crap except in cases of head trauma. In any case, we remember and owning that memory gives us power to own our healing. I hope you take your power and make her lack of memory unimportant in comparison to your memories. You are beautiful and strong.

Blessing,
Train Wreck
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DianaJoy
Site Admin


Joined: 24 Mar 2007
Posts: 489

PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:30 am    Post subject:

Train Wreck pretty much said what I was going to - consciously or unconsciously abusers may very well suppress memories.

You may want to take a look at the section of the Survivor to Thriver manual that talks about confronting your abuser. It may well help you process the experience.
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catalina



Joined: 20 Mar 2011
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2011 3:54 pm    Post subject:

I read somewhere -- decades ago -- that the vast majority of sexual abusers, especially those who had abused more than one child, could pass a lie-detector test saying that they hadn't. I think abusers dissociate as much as victims. My father always denied abusing me after I confronted him. On his death bed, after 10 years of no contact with me, he apologized for doing "bad things" to me. I don't think he truly remembered or thought he was apologizing for sexual abuse. I think he was afraid of maybe going to Hell. (He was Catholic.) But he also had some dim awareness that he did have something to feel guilty about. It sounds to me that your abuser similarly did not remember but may have had that dim awareness of guilt, too.

Sometimes I wonder if this is how child abuse has gone on so long -- taken such deep root in the world. Because most survivors and most abusers can't face the memory of it, so it keeps getting re-enacted from the subconscious instead of processed as a crime or even as a really bad mistake.
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